Photo by Nico Burns
Here’s an example of high-quality bangs. I’m in Ashland taking a pic at the back of the bus. While there is some slight breakage on the left side, there isn’t enough of a gap for the casual observer to notice.

Bangs and turtlenecks – those are the secrets to success. It’s really that simple. Poof – that’s the sound of all of your struggles disappearing.

When selecting articles of clothing in the morning, leaving your forehead and neck exposed to the elements is a rookie mistake. If you’re looking to get sick, by all means go right ahead and show off some skin. If not, take my advice.

Turtlenecks seem to be making a comeback. But based on the number of scandalously bare foreheads seen on a daily basis, it would appear that the concept of bangs has gotten through to very few people. Perhaps the popularization of bangs will take more convincing of the mainstream public. Time to get to work on my newest philanthropic cause.

Hi, my name is Sonja, and I have bangs. It’s been 17 years since I was given bangs. I’m here today because I believe that together we can tackle the stigma behind bangs. As a long-time user, I am aware of their great life-changing benefits and want to spread this message to all. Thank you for reading this and taking the first step toward making this planet a better, more banging place.

Getting bangs is not as trivial as getting an ordinary haircut. I scoff at those who think otherwise. Bangs have much more meaning. It’s a lifestyle choice that will impact the rest of your days.

Photo used by permission of Sonja Hansen
The student ID in which I reveal what’s behind the bangs.

Bangs represent a turning point. The lives of those with bangs can be divided into only two parts: the time before bangs (the dark period) and the time after (Enlightenment).

I was just a baby when I had my initiation ceremony into the rite of the bangs. If you haven’t attended one of those, imagine a bar mitzvah but with more elaborate pyrotechnics, colorful rickshaws and increased celebrity attendance. I faintly remember being doused in the holy water and raised above a bonfire to the moonlit sky, as friends and family chanted the eight sacred maxims (Bangs are awesome. Bangs are super cool. Bangs are the key to life, etc.) and then released the customary blessing  hawks into the forest.

But wait. Before you go buck nutty with scissors, it’s only fair that you consider the long-term implications. Cutting bangs is the easy part, but the work that goes into maintaining bangs is sorely underappreciated.

For starters, something (likely a curse) causes bangs to grow super fast. Consequently, every dedicated bangs possessor carries a small pair of scissors at all times. I have been given detention many a time for trimming my bangs in class and have broken off friendships with those who complain too much about my bang clippings dropping into their lunches.

Due to their constant contact with your forehead, bangs also become greasier than the rest of your hair over time, especially if your forehead is dripping from sweat because you made the wise decision of wearing a turtleneck.

Stale or sweaty bangs tend to clump. Clumpy bangs are greatly looked down upon by the bang community, but there’s an easy fix. Take a brush. One swish to the left, one swish to the right. Let the tendrils settle. Pat down the sides so they blend with the rest of your hair.

 

Photo by Chuck Hansen
This is what happens if you don’t primp your bangs well enough. These bangs are stringy and clumped. Bianca (right) and I are singing at one of my dad’s concerts.

Besides recognizing how crucial constant awareness of your bangs is,  it is equally important to understand that you do not own the bangs. The bangs own you. It can take years to break through to this mindfulness. Think of bangs as a cosmic force that simply graces your face with their presence.

Because of the unbreakable hold bangs have on their hosts, they also have an unrelenting grasp on one’s psyche. Hairfinder.com has studied this phenomenon and concluded that the style of bangs is greatly related to personality. While there are thousands of known bang styles (more being discovered around the world each and every day by renowned scientists), we’ll focus on Hairfinder’s analysis of my own style: blunt bangs.

“Women who prefer this look have a strong sense of classic fashion, carry an elevated professional status and prefer Chanel over H&M,” according to Hairfinder. “The forehead is entirely covered with no gaps in the hair. Down to the point, disciplined and conservative is the message here. No one will mess with those bangs or the woman who wears them.”

Hairfinder’s theory certainly has its points, but the fact that the style of bangs is never permanent complicates matters. As I mentioned before, bangs have rapid growth rates, meaning at times I fit Hairfinder’s definition of “extra long blunt bangs.”

“This X-rated version of something as harmless as a fringe of hair can turn any look into hot glamour and every woman into a sexy diva. Extra long blunt bangs cover the eyebrows fully, (and) are thick and mysterious, leading all attention to the depth of her eyes. Sultry and seductive, they are the fringe equivalent to black leather strap stilettos.

“This is not a look for wallflowers or the good girl in a movie. The woman with the super fringe is the mystery girl, the international spy of love, the undercover agent. She never reveals all of herself and might just leave your life as quickly as she came in it. Her life is a thriller and not necessarily a family-friendly show.”

Needless to say, this form of bangs is not for beginners. Only those with years of experience of ignoring the hair curtain constantly blocking their vision could possibly handle this.

So start with an oldie but a goodie: blunt bangs. I expect the bravest among you to bust out some turtlenecks and make appointments with the hairdresser in the morning.

By Sonja Hansen 

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