I am sick and tired of having to answer questions about college and life plans. And I know my fellow seniors feel the same way. So as a public service, I’ve written some answers that my classmates can use whenever adults ask irritating questions.
Q: How does it feel to finally be a senior?
A: Better than I thought. My memory is good, and my joints don’t ache!
Q: How many Advanced Placement classes are you taking?
A: Not enough to get into college, but enough to ruin my social life.
Q: Where are you applying?
A: Colleges, mostly, plus a couple of flower shops and two taco trucks.
Q: What’s your top choice for college?
A: The University of Somalia. I want a thrilling college experience living on the edge in a lawless state of anarchy.
Q: What are you majoring in?
A: Brick-making. Once Trump starts building the wall, I’ll make it rich!
Q: Aren’t you applying to any Ivy League Schools?
A: Of course, all eight of them! I’m writing my essays between winning the Nobel Peace Prize, creating a non-profit to end world hunger and finding the cure for cancer. I’m paying for my application fees with the gold bullion that my pet capybara poops.
Q: What career do you want to have?
A: People are always telling me to follow my dreams, so I’ll become a Tolkien reenactor, participating in as many battles between orcs, elves and goblins as I’d like.
Q: Why are you applying to so many colleges?
A: I know I’ll be accepted into all of them, so it’s just to boost my ego.
Q: But seriously, why are you applying to so few?
A: College apps are expensive. (This one isn’t meant to be funny. It’s just funny because it’s true.)
Q: Don’t you know that it’s cold in X place?
A: Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It drops to a frigid 50 degrees in Sacramento. I’ll be prepared for the coldest of winters.
Q: Are you excited to graduate?
A: Not at all – I’d much rather stay here and live out my days attending morning meeting and raising my hand for permission to go to the bathroom.
Q: Are you going to rush next year?
A: The only place I’m rushing to is my bed once college apps are done.
—By Nicole Wolkov