I was talking to Alex today, and as usual we were having a very intellectual conversation.
Alex was arguing that all you guys initially go out of your way to talk to and become friends with girls because you think they are attractive and want to hook up with them, and then, once you get to know the girl, you may realize you enjoy the friendship and become friends. I argued the opposite side; you guys become friends with girls initially for the sake of friendship, because you think they’re cool and you like the girl for her character. Then your relationship may become sexual.
Obviously, a lot of the time a guy both likes the girl he is friends with for who she is and may be also physically attracted to her. You spend a lot of time with a girl and talk to her probably because you enjoy doing so, but you may also wish you were more than just friends (same goes for girls).
But the question is what in general comes first for guys? What is the real motivation for a guy to start talking and hanging out with a girl in the first place?
Alex’s argument was reinforced when I went home today and talked to my friend Bryanne. I told her about our conversation and, curious to find an answer, she quickly sent out texts asking her guy friends if they initially start talking and hanging out with girls because they want to hook up with them. . .
Most answers she received supported Alex’s argument:
“Yeah, or they have attractive friends that I want to hook up with.”
“Yes, but I stay friends with them because I like being friends with them.”
“Yeah, starting off with friendship is a good way to get girls, but at the same time it’s risky because you could get friend-zoned.”
“Having attractive girl friends is good.”
“Unattractive girls don’t have guy friends.”
A few agreed with both reasons:
“We become friends because I’ve heard you’re pretty chill, or because I’m attracted to you. It depends on the guy.”
Some took the question a little too personally. Awkward. . .
“Well, don’t tell my girlfriend, but you are like really pretty.”
“I think you are attractive and would not mind hooking up with you, but I like how we are now, too.”
Others were concerned about Bryanne’s love life. . .
“Why do you ask?”
“What’s wrong, Bryanne?”
“What’s the situation? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, though…”
“Why? Who is trying to friend you ;)”
So after all our successful data collecting, (and some very awkward conversations for Bryanne) it seemed like Alex’s view was winning out. However, one of our guy friends did disagree:
“No. I mean, girl-guy relationships can end up becoming sexual, but that’s not really the point in my opinion. Anyone can just have one-night stands and hook up with random girls to fulfill their sexual needs. So if they become friends with you, they probably like hanging out with you and being friends.”
Here’s one response that I found particularly interesting: “To guys, girls are just fun to be around because they are so different from us.” I feel like this is very true for both sexes. I have lots of guy friends, and they are a lot different from my girl friends, which is something I appreciate and treasure in our friendships. Guys act differently, have a different outlook on things and enjoy doing different things. I rarely have to worry about offending my guy friends, for they can be much more relaxed.
We also asked some of our girl friends the same question. Most said they begin by looking for friendship in a guy before feelings might grow into something more.
Angela thinks that guys can let their manly walls down around their girl friends, revealing their feelings and sensitive side without getting judged or made fun of like they would by their guy friends.
In the end, I suppose it really depends on what kind of guy you are, although it seems that many guys agree with Alex. Personally, a guy’s character plays a big role in whether I find him attractive or not. I feel like this is the case for many girls, but perhaps not the case as much for you guys.
I don’t think guys and girls are different naturally, but I do think they become very different due to societal pressures. But that is a topic for a later blog.