Photo courtesy of Feastables

Is MrBeast’s chocolate GOATed? Octagon’s MrFeast finds out

In the past years since 2017, the internet community has been swept by an unstoppable tidal wave of comedy, kindness, drama and joy that only continues to expand: the MrBeast Franchise.

The MrBeast brand, led and managed by online entertainer Jimmy Donaldson (more commonly known as MrBeast), is arguably one of the most popular and beloved entertainment and charity brands in the world. 

 One of the latest additions to the franchise are the Feastable chocolate bars, released in January 2022. They are gluten-free and plant-based, allowing the bars to feed an audience with a wide variety of possible dietary restrictions, such as vegans and those with gluten intolerance.

Due to their internet connections, these bars have skyrocketed into popularity.

But are these bars truly worth the hype? or will they fade from the aisles of stores across the United States and from the memories of countless chocolate lovers across the country?

To answer this burning question for Feastable consumers everywhere, the Octagon has sent me, a senior reporter, to analyze the evidence.

As I entered my local Safeway, I encountered a plethora of Feastable bars with varying flavors. 

A flurry of emotions — hope, delight, fear — rippled through my body as I approached the bars.

My stomach roared in anticipation, ready to face the gauntlet of familiar and also oddly-named flavors.

It was my mind that held me back. A single horrifying thought whispered in the back of my mind. 

Death.

I would die if I ate a bar of every flavor, regardless of how “healthy” they could be. How could I expose the truth if I died before I could reveal it?

Empowered by my duty to the Octagon and my pride as a journalist, I chose a combination of flavors that truly represented the entirety of the MrBeast brand. For $2.99 each, I selected the Original Chocolate bar, the Crunch Bar, the Milk Chocolate Bar and the Deez Nutz Bar.

Fear not dear reader: My mind was focused, my resolve hardened and my guts ready, laying in wait.

Please read along carefully as I, Ishaan Sekhon, participate in one of mankind’s most elaborate and accurate investigative journalism pieces.

I promise that you, your family, your wallet and your taste buds won’t regret reading the most credible guide to one of the latest additions to the world of chocolate.

Original Chocolate

A thunderous snap bounced from my desk and echoed across the walls of my room.

The satisfying crunch was merely a prelude to a wave of bitter yet exciting chocolate. My taste buds sprung to life as the chocolate touched my tongue, giving me momentary bliss.

The Original Chocolate Bar is composed of only four ingredients: cane sugar, organic chocolate liquor, organic cocoa butter and sunflower lecithin.

The exquisite and ingenious combination of these ingredients resulted in simple yet blocky sweetness, encapsulating a smooth and firm texture. It featured a subtle wavy pattern. The words “share” and “devour” are printed on the side.

Ironically, my brother tried to steal the bar from me and devour it himself.

After splitting the bar with him, my fingers childishly stabbed the firm and sturdy chocolate. I pulled it close to my nose and inhaled.

An enticing and powerful yet familiar smell throttled my mind into a roller coaster of memories.

I knew what this was. 

Not a candy, but an art form.

Despite the branding and packaging, there was not a doubt in my mind that I had uncovered the truth.

This was chocolate and it was delicious.

Rating: ★★★★☆

Milk Chocolate

My teeth tore into the soft and brittle chocolate as the unusually sweet bar drifted and dissolved within my mouth.

Small squiggly lines dotted the soft and smooth texture of the bar.

My taste buds were satisfied with the satiating chocolate, which consisted of only five ingredients: cane sugar, organic cocoa butter, organic milk and organic vanilla powder.

The Milk Chocolate Bar is similar to the previous bar not only in ingredients but also in taste, though it’s significantly less bitter and feels bland in comparison to the previous bar.

A calming sensation resonated within my soul as I munched on the milky chocolate. The gooey bar excited my taste buds as it dissolved within my mouth, slowly tasting better the more I ate.

This bar lacked an exciting taste that usually compels me to ravishingly devour chocolate.

But the ultimate sensation of eating the creamy, milky, gooey and scrumptious did encourage me to finish eating.

Rating: ★★★★☆

Milk Chocolate Crunch

Only two questions lingered in the back of my mind when I bit into this bar: Is this chocolate? Did I just get scammed?

The Milk Chocolate Crunch Bar is essentially a tougher, more irritating version of the Milk Chocolate Bar.

This bar contains six ingredients: cane sugar, organic cocoa butter, organic chocolate liquor, organic milk, organic puffed rice and organic vanilla powder.

In terms of appearance, the crunch bar is identical to the milk chocolate bar. The bars also share a similarly strong scent.

Unfortunately, the similarities end there.

Unlike its counterparts, the Crunch Bar lacks the excitement of the Original Chocolate Bar and the creamy sweetness of the Milk Chocolate Bar.

The unusually hard exteriors of the bar didn’t do it any favors either. 

My taste buds weren’t satiated but instead repulsed by the bar as flaky bits of chocolate flew aimlessly around in my mouth, like comets soaring through space.

But unlike comets, this bar wasn’t a smashing hit. In fact, it was the complete opposite.

Although this bar was still edible, it’s a sloppy excuse for chocolate.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Deez Nutz 

Oh, the things I eat for journalism.

As the title suggests, this was by far the most unique bar.

This bar contained seven ingredients: cane sugar, organic cocoa butter, organic chocolate liquor, organic milk, peanuts, salt and organic vanilla powder.

Despite its texture and appearance synonymous with the other bars, this bar’s odor was similar but much less pungent.

Also unlike the other bars, the Deez Nutz Bar is filled with a salty layer of peanut butter.

Numerous iterations of high-demand peanut-butter-and-chocolate combinations have graced the market, with the Reese’s Pieces Candy line being a standout example. However, the Deez Nutz Bar will not be celebrated for its taste. Not even in the slightest bit.

After my teeth broke through the thick layer of chocolate surrounding the peanut butter, my taste buds were violently attacked by a salted nuclear bomb of peanut butter.

This explosive assault lingered in my mouth much longer than expected. 

The salted, creamy peanut butter flooded every crevice of my mouth and stuck to my teeth like mud until it dissolved agonizingly slowly. 

As the peanut butter did so, I felt my dreams, hopes, money and taste buds dissolve with it.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

— By Ishaan Sekhon

Feastables
Original Chocolate
Milk Chocolate
Milk Chocolate Crunch
Deez Nutz
Reader Rating0 Votes
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