The Octagon

NEWS-ERY RHYMES: Freshman Dylan Margolis’s story on police almost neglecting local baker’s encounter with eight-legged kind takes third place

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Jacqueline Chao
Freshman Dylan Margolis

During Octagon Boot Camp (Aug. 21-24), new staffers learned about the 5 W’s and the H (who, what, when, where, why and how) and the inverted pyramid style, which outlines how to prioritize information in news stories (from most to least important). After getting acquainted with these journalistic basics, they were presented with one assignment: Write a brief news story about a nursery rhyme

Former online editor-in-chief Sahej Claire, ’18, (now a freshman at Stanford University) chose the top three stories. In the upcoming days, the winners will be published with graphics by junior Emma Boersma. First up is freshman Dylan Margolis’s story. 

 

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Muffet away.

 

Local baker Geraldine Muffet fled to local police after claiming assault from a spider yesterday morning.

According to her sister, Margaret (who witnessed the crime), Geraldine was eating her curds and whey while sitting on her tuffet when the spider attacked.

“There came a big spider, who sat down beside her.” Margaret said.

Shortly after, a startled Geraldine ran to the police to report the crime.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Geraldine said. “So I shouted ‘Help, Tim Tom! I’ve been assaulted by a spider!’”

And according to Sheriff Tim Tom, though the police department initially believed that Geraldine’s claim was a prank, after some explanation it was clear that Geraldine was telling the truth.

“I’ve heard a lot of false claims throughout the years,” Tom said. “But I knew she was being honest because I could really see the terror in her eyes.”

Though Tom believed her story, he decided to dismiss the case due to the lack of evidence.

“Even if the spider did assault her, we’re not gonna put a spider up on the stand.” Tom said

And while Geraldine said she comprehends the unrealisticness of a spider in a criminal case, she is considering filing a civil lawsuit.

“If a different species assaulted me, this would be a criminal case,” Geraldine said. “But because it is a spider, I am willing to settle with a civil dispute.”

—By Dylan Margolis

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